Grandparenting
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Grandparents are very important people in children’s lives. There have been many changes in the last 50 years or so which make grandparenting a whole new ball-game. If you look at a picture of grandparents from the 1950s, or earlier, it is likely to show a grey-haired old woman with her knitting or a bald-headed old man with a stick.
Grandparents today can be in their forties or younger, and live an active life for many years. In fact as people live longer, grandparenting can last as many as 30 or 40 years or more.
Being a grandparent is a very special role. It brings an opportunity to do for your grandchildren what you may not have been able to do for your own children.
Changes for today’s grandparents
Here are some of the major changes that may be part of grandparenting today.
- Grandparents may be in employment.
- Grandparents can be the main carer following family break-up or with both parents working.
- Families move around much more and there is more likely to be long distance grandparenting.
- Children’s behaviour, their knowledge, their skills with technology and the language may seem so advanced.
- Grandparents today can be in their forties or younger, and live an active life for many years. In fact as people live longer, grandparenting can last as many as 30 or 40 years or more.
What grandparents can do
- You can enrich your grandchildren’s lives:
- be your grandchildren’s friend and confidant
- be a role model—they too can survive life’s challenges
- provide a safety net if relationships with parents are strained
- teach skills that you have that they may not learn elsewhere
- let them teach you new skills
- inspire—show your belief and wonderment in their attempts at tackling things.
- Spend time with grandchildren in a busy worl d—time to
have fun, time to explore the world and time to just be together.
- Give grandchildren love. Grandfathers, in particular, may
not have had time to spend with their own children in the
way that they can now give to their grandchildren.
- Keep the family networks alive.
- Keep in touch with family members.
- Talk about the family history—your own and other ancestors. This gives them a sense of belonging and helps them know where they fit in the world. Tell them stories about their parents when they were young.
- Let the family know about old family traditions as the family grows and changes and new traditions are built. You can help to keep the best of the old, as you and your family work out new ways to manage celebrations, holidays and birthdays.
- Give security and protection—especially at times when there are family problems. Grandparents can be there for the grandchildren to support and protect them, like a ‘safe haven’.
- Build grandchildren’s self-esteem by taking a personal interest in them. Children are lucky when they have close ties with a grandparent as well as with their parents.
Expectations of grandparents
Grandparents don’t have a ‘set’ role, where they know what their responsibilities are in the same way that parents do. Talk over with your adult children what you expect to do as a grandparent and what they would like you to do.
Talk with them about:
- how often you will visit them or they will visit you
- how often you will ring, and when not to ring
- what babysitting you will do (remember that what you do for the first grandchild may be expected for others)
- childcare that you do unwillingly may not be a help to anyone
- be prepared to say if it is too much for you, or you need time to yourself. Looking after yourself might mean saying ‘No’ sometimes
- what you can afford to do and want to do about presents as the family grows bigger
- listen carefully to your adult children’s views on bringing up children and support them if you possibly can. Talk about any problems with them. If you think differently, bring up your ideas and listen to theirs. They may not do things the way you would, and you may have to accept this in the end.
The new grandchild
This is a very important time in the lives of your adult children and in your own life.
- Take your cues from them. Your daughter or son and their partner may want some time alone to get to know their new baby before they involve other people.
- On the other hand they might invite you to be there for the birth. This depends on each family. It does not necessarily show how the parents feel towards the grandparents.
- One of the best things that you can do is to support new parents in getting to know their baby. It is a time when your practical help with the dishes and washing/ironing might be more needed than to have you cuddle the baby. Your turn to do the cuddling will come.
- Let young parents see that you think they are doing a good job when you see them doing things well. Having a baby is a vulnerable time and support and praise really helps parents, for example, ‘You’re such a lovely mother’, ‘How lucky he is to have you as his dad’.
- When a second baby arrives, offer to mind the new baby. This will give parents time to spend with their first child who may begin to feel left out and who needs to feel special and much loved.
Grandparenting ideas
- Your house may no longer be child-proof. When grandchildren are young, check that your good things (china and pot plants) and your poisons (from medicines to dishwashing powder) are safely out of reach.
- Have a box of toys, games and books that are special for visits. Add something new occasionally.
- Children love stories. Keep a supply of books to read to them. Tell stories about the family history.
- Read a few recent books on child-rearing so you are up to date with modern ideas.
- Keep up with your grandchildren’s interests. As they grow older take an interest in what they are doing. Listen to some modern music so you can talk or ask questions about it.
- Have your own ‘house rules’ about the amount and type of television and video watching in your home.
- Be a good listener. Grandparents often have time to give children a real opportunity to talk about their interests and feelings.
- Let them know when you are interested in going to their activities, such as school sports, concerts etc.
- Teenagers, in particular, often get a lot of value out of the support from their grandparents. (Remember that hairstyles, activities and language are different from when you were a parent and criticism may spoil your relationship).
- Children love to cook and often parents are too busy for this to happen together, so it can be a special novelty to do with you.
Distance grandparenting
Many families now live a long way apart, with family members working in different states and countries, so you might not be near your grandchildren.
You can still have a loving relationship with, and give support to, your grandchildren.
- Offer to have your grandchildren visit you on holiday—together or one at a time. Children get benefits from individual relationships with grandparents, not always in a group.
- Visit them.
- Keep regular telephone contact.
- Write letters, send photos, tapes or videos and include family stories in them.
- Develop some new family traditions for managing birthdays etc.
- Learn to use computers so you can email messages to your grandchildren and so they can reply, and include some photos.
Separation and stepgrandparenting
If your son or daughter’s relationship breaks up it can bring special problems for grandparenting.
- You may feel let down or disappointed, sad or angry. Talk it over with someone, a counsellor if necessary. Your grandchildren are going to need your support at this time.
- Don’t talk to your grandchildren about your disappointment with their parent(s), but listen to their feelings.
- If your son or daughter is very distressed you may be needed to try to explain to your grandchildren what is happening, and to help them to talk about their feelings. This needs a great deal of tact and sensitivity as both of the couple are your grandchildren’s parents. Children usually love and want to be with both their parents.
- Try to keep positive relationships with both parents, so that they will want you to go on playing a part in their children’s lives.
- If your son or daughter remarries or enters another relationship there will be other issues to think about. It is important to support the new relationship in front of the children, whatever you think about it.
- If step-grandchildren arrive you will need to think and maybe talk about other things such as:
- what presents will each of the children receive for birthdays?
- what will you do about will and family inheritance?
- how will you be able to share your time between your grandchildren
These are individual questions that need to be worked out for your own situation, but it is important that everyone’s feelings are considered.
Sometimes grandparents are called on to do the parenting while a son or daughter goes back to work after a separation. If this happens, be sure that you are willing to do it. It will probably be of great value to your grandchildren as long as it is not a burden to you.
Some grandparents in this situation resent the fact that it is hard, physical work or they haven’t time to do things with their own friends. They worry about what will happen to their grandchildren if they lose their health and cannot continue the childcare. Talk these things over with your son or daughter or a supportive person. It is important to take care of yourself in order to provide caring for your grandchildren.
Your grandchildren may have problems as they struggle with their own feelings about the changes. This could show up in their behaviour. Behaviour problems come from unhappiness. It is important to talk this over with your grandchildren’s parents, so you can get help with managing the children.
Grandparents raising grandchildren
There are many grandparents now who are raising their grandchildren. Often they take on this role unexpectedly and indefinitely wanting their grandchildren to remain within the family after a parent’s death, imprisonment, court order or family breakup.
This can mean grandparents forgo their own plans and dreams, let go of their own friends and activities, and take on responsibilities and perform tasks that are not the same as people their own age. This can have an impact on their health, their finances and their lifestyle.
Grandparenting when the parents are teenagers
Becoming a grandparent when your teenage child becomes a parent can come as a shock and you may need time to get used to the idea. If you have mixed feelings when you find out you are to become a grandparent, it might help to talk it over with someone who understands.
- Grandparents-to-be often feel very worried about their young people and how they will cope. You might also be worried about what your friends might think. This is normal.
- Your teenager will need your support at this time, but will also need to take their own responsibility for the very grown-up task they are taking on. They need you to help but not take over!
- Some grandparents find it helpful to talk with other grandparents who are supporting young parents. You can share your fears and hopes and get ideas about some things to do differently.
- It is important to consider how much help you want to give. There may be extra pressure on you to offer childcare. This is your decision. Childcare given with resentment is not usually in anybody’s interests.
- If the young parent(s)-to-be are agreeable, you may be able to be there for the birth and provide positive support.
- One of the best things that you can do for your young parents is to notice what they do well and tell them.
- Sometimes you will feel torn in loyalties between your child and your grandchild, especially if you see your grandchild being treated badly.
This may mean you have to step in to protect your grandchild and risk conflict in the family.
Reminders for parents
- Ask your own parents (the grandparents) how they would like to be involved in your children’s lives.
- Be willing to talk things over.
- When you get advice, as you will, don’t automatically reject it. Think it over and then decide what you will do. If you decide not to take their advice, explain why.
- Remember that children can adjust to different ways of doing things, at your house and the grandparents’ house. It is one of the ways they learn about the world.
- If you think the rules at the grandparents’ house are too strict and are making your children unhappy, or they are not safe, you will need to explain to the grandparents why you feel that way.
- Remember that a bit of leeway (or spoiling) by grandparents won’t hurt your children or damage their relationship with you.
- Some grandparents tire easily and managing more than one preschool child for more than a short time may be too much. Be sensitive to this.
- Remember that grandparents have their own lives as well. Respect their decision about what they can and are willing to do for you.
Reminders for grandparents
- Grandparenting is a very special relationship. It is an opportunity to do for your grandchildren what you may not have had the time to do for your own children.
- One of the best things that you can do for your grandchildren is to support their parents.
- Be willing to talk things over and ask your adult children what kind of help they most need.
- Support your adult children in their parenting.
- Ask their advice. Don’t expect them to take your advice but be willing to share ideas if there is an opportunity.
Want more information?
ParentLink www.parentlink.act.gov.au 13 34 27
Parentline 6287 3833 (9am–9pm Mon–Fri, not public holidays)
Australian Institute of Family Studies www.aifs.gov.au (search ‘grandparents’)
Child and Youth Health www.cyh.com (parenting and child health information)
GrandParents ACT and Region www.grandparents.org.au
Health First www.healthfirst.net.au 6207 7777
Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au 13 11 14
Maternal and Child Health www.health.act.gov.au 6207 9977
See other ParentLink guides:
ACT Govt Publication No 08/0692 October 2008
