Stepfamilies

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The text for this topic is copyright Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.

"Come here you kids, I've got something to tell you. You know me and Brian go together, well he's going to move here and stay with us now!"

"Is he going to bring his kids too, because they can go to school with us unna."

"Yeah, is that OK?"

"Yeah that will be deadly . . . but where are they going to sleep?"

Stepfamilies are usually decided by two adults who want to be together. People get together for a lot of different reasons like love, companionship, money, and necessity.

A couple might decide they can't make a go of it together and may decide to separate, choosing to live with someone else. The kids may not always be happy about it.

This building of a new partnership is an exciting but challenging time. It needs a lot of time, energy and hard work. There are many different kinds of stepfamilies and each have different strengths to build on and difficulties to deal with. There are other people involved, including the extended family. Every family and stepfamily is unique. What works for some may not work for others.

What can it mean for your kids?

• They might have to move house.
• They might have to share their home with more people.
• They might have to change schools and make new friends.
• They might not be able to see the other parent as often as they’d like.
• They feel a sense of loss and may be sad.
• They may not even know what they really feel.

Not all kids will react in the same way to the loss of the old family and the beginnings of the new family. For some kids it can mean that any hope of their parents getting back together is over. Some kids might even feel that they have lost their parents to someone else.

Kids might feel bad if they think they are choosing between parents and step-parents. Kids might have trouble letting go of old family rules and traditions and learning new ones.

There might be difficulties for the kids and parents over contact and visiting times with the other parents.

Kids need to know what the rules of the new family will be and what will happen if the rules are broken. All kids need discipline. Discipline is hard to do for many parents but in step-families discipline can be tricky. Talk to your partner about what sort of discipline will be used in the home and who does it at the time.

If kids play up, remember you are the grown up and have a responsibility to guide your kids. Discipline is about us teaching and kids learning. It does not mean hitting, which is what a lot of parents think when they hear the word.

These things might help

• talk honestly with your partner and kids about all the new plans
• let your kids know things will be different and that it will take time to get used to the new changes
• listen to your kids and answer questions honestly
• don’t speak badly of the other parent in front of the kids
• be fair and balance your attention and time with each kid
• allow each kid to have some privacy
• let kids have time to sort out their feelings
• remember kids need to grieve the loss of one family and time to get used to a new family
• let your kids know they can talk to you about any concerns they have

These places might be able to help you

• Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Services 6205 4798
• Barnardos Parenting and Outreach Program 6241 5466
• Child and Family Centres -
  Tuggeranong 6207 8228
  Gungahlin 6207 1020
• Gugan Gulwan Youth Aboriginal Corporation 6231 9555
• Lifeline 13 11 14
• Parentline 6287 3833
• Winnunga Nimmityjah Aboriginal Health Service 6284 6220

ACT Govt Publication No 08/0618 May 08 (Revised 0806)