Coping skills for our kids

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The text for this topic is copyright Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.

It's breakfast time ... 5 year old Jomurri is making his own breakfast. His mother says"Put the milk down, I'll tip it for you, you'll waste it all."

Jomurri says, "No, me can do it". Then he pours all what’s left of the milk into his bowl.

His mother says,"See, now there's no more left, none for me, none for Illanya and no milk left for your drink."

Jomurri looks at his mother and then cries.

She says, "See, no good crying Jomurri, nothing for you to drink now."

Jomurri says, "Me can't have a drink now?"

His mother says, "Shouldn't have tipped it all over your breakfast, unna?"

This is our way of teaching our kids to learn to make decisions.

When they are old enough kids have to be responsible for their decisions and the choices they make and wear the consequences, whether good or bad. All this is part of becoming a responsible person.

We want our kids to become strong and healthy, and that means physically strong and healthy as well as spiritually strong and healthy. This is one of the best things we as parents can do for them. We need to teach them to be independent, and to be able to stand up for themselves, do things for themselves and handle the hard things that they come up against.

Tough things for kids

Sometimes kids can have stressful things happen for them. It might be when you get sick or if you have money problems. The arrival of a new baby, parents home, going into a new school, making new friends, being bullied, having a disability, someone special dying ... all these things can make a big difference in your kid's life.

Building strengths

Sometimes though, we cannot stop things going wrong, but we can try to help our kids build on the strengths that will help them to get through tough times.

• One of these strengths is belonging. The first year of your kid's life is so important. Young babies need to know someone cares and will always be there for them. Babies become attached to their mothers and fathers or the people looking after them. This builds a sense of belonging and safety and security.
• Kids need to feel they have some control in their own lives. They also need to feel that they can be good at the things they try and do.
• Kids need to have lots of chances to feel what it's like to succeed. Every time your kid does something well that he sets out to do, he starts to develop a belief that he can go on trying and have more successes.
• The way that you think about and talk about your own experiences is very powerful in shaping your kid's beliefs about why success or failure might happen.

(See the parent guide called 'Optimism' which talks about how to help kids look on the bright side).

These things might help

You can help build your kid's confidence when you:

• do something special with them whenever you can
• give your kid a kiss or a hug for no special reason not just when they do things well
• attend to them as soon as you can
• smile and clap when your little kids do something for themselves
• give praise or a hug when older kids do something for themselves or for others
• let them try new things if it is safe for them
• let them learn things for themselves, instead of you having all the answers or doing it for them
• even when they are little, give them choices to help them learn to make decisions like saying "do you want to wear your blue or red jumper?"
• protect them from adult problems or business
• try not to let your kids see and hear you arguing or fighting
• keep them away from adult stuff that will scare them or worry them
• find another caring person to 'be there' for your kid if you are feeling very stressed
• make them feel loved and lovable
• make them feel good about themselves especially if they feel different (eg disability)
• don't compare them with others
• give them a good start by breastfeeding, which helps make their little bodies strong and makes it easier for them not to get sick all the time.

These places might be able to help you

• Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Services 6205 4798
• Barnardos Parenting and Outreach Program  6241 5466
• Child & Family Centres -
  Tuggeranong 6207 8228
• Gungahlin 6207 1020
• Gugan Gulwan Youth Aboriginal Corporation 6231 9555
• Lifeline 13 11 14
• Parentline  6287 3833
• Winnunga Nimmityjah Aboriginal Health Service 6284 6220

ACT Govt Publication No 08/0618 May 2008 (Revised 0707)