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Living with toddlers

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The text for this topic is copyright Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.

Between the ages of one and three years, your toddler’s world is growing rapidly. This is a time of many changes for toddlers. The most important development for children in these years is that they become separate, independent people. Many of the troubles that some parents experience with their two year olds stem from children struggling with learning to become independent and parents not being quite sure how best to handle these challenges. At this time toddlers are still babies in many ways and need a lot of parental love and support. All within a short space of time they can move from being independent and ‘I do myself’ to being very needy and dependent again. They are longing to feel safe and wanting to be free.

Knowing what is happening for your toddler at this stage of development may help you to be more patient and understanding in the way you parent.

About toddlers

Toddlers are:

active and curious; they have to explore, touch, open, shut, throw and empty
learning who they are; trying out their wills
learning to be in charge of themselves; learning to walk, talk, feed themselves, toilet train
learning about living with others; starting to learn how to show love, how not to hurt others, how to share and take turns.

Toddlers are not able to:

understand reason; they cannot understand why we want them to do one thing, and not another
sit still, wait, share or control their angry feelings; they will learn all these things, but they cannot do them well yet
stop themselves from doing the wrong thing; they still needs adults to remind them and to keep them safe.

It is normal for toddlers to:

want to say ‘No’ and to show they have a mind of their own
get cross and rebel sometimes
not want to share and to say ‘That’s mine’
want to make some choices for themselves
find it hard to cope with changes
want to be like their parents, for example try on lipsticks and use parents’ tools
want to feel very secure and safe but at the same time to try out new independence
not manage and ‘fall in a heap’ sometimes.

Sometimes when they are on the way to learning self control, children will say ‘No! No! No!’ to themselves while they do something that they shouldn’t. They are not meaning to disobey you. They are on the way to learning what they must not do, but haven’t quite got there yet.

Toddlers need:

encouragement
time to explore
to be allowed to make simple choices
to be able to test out their independence and come back to you for comfort
your patience.

Changes which can cause difficult behaviour

Changes in a toddler’s life can be stressful. A toddler does not have the words to say how he is feeling so he may show this stress through his behaviour. Some of the things that can stress a toddler are:

arrival of a new baby
being sick
moving house, or even into a new bed
being separated from his parents, for example, when a parent is sick, someone goes into hospital, starting childcare or the family breaks up
parents being angry, fighting or crying.

Give him extra attention during these times, and let him be more of a baby for a while. These behaviours will go as he becomes more used to the change. Do not use punishment.

What parents can do

Your children need you to help them learn to be independent and feel good about themselves. At the same time you don’t want them to be unsafe or have a home life that is full of battles. Life for toddlers is full of frustration so the smoother parents can make it, the better it is for all.

Toddlers do not need to be forced to ‘be good’. They need your approval, love and affection more than anything else—then they wil be ready to accept limits.

Toddlers need to be taught in small simple steps and helped with a lot of practising. Do not expect your toddler to remember every time.

Make your home safe and enjoyable

Protect toddlers from the house and the house from them.
Make your house as childproof as possible.
Have as few rules as possible. It is better to put your good things away than to always be stopping a toddler from touching them.
Make interesting changes every now and again, for example, a pile of cushions to climb over, a cardboard box tunnel to crawl through, a cubby house under the card table.
Make sure that there is a place and space for your child to explore and run every day.
If children have to go somewhere in the car or wait in a waiting room, take some toys or books to keep them busy.

Try some different tactics

Make up fun games where your child can practise saying ‘No’, for example, ‘Does daddy sleep in the bath?’, ‘Does the cat say moo?’
Don’t give your child a choice if there isn’t one. For example if you have to pick up an older child from school, don’t ask your toddler if she wants to come, say ‘We’re going to the school in the car now’.
If there is something she does not want to do, try to make a game of it. You could say ‘See if you can hop like a kangaroo to the bath’, or make having a bath more attractive. The use of bubbles, toys or a few drops of food colouring can be fun.
Distract instead of ordering. For example ‘Let’s get out the building blocks’ rather than ‘Stop doing that’.
Give simple choices, for example, with food and clothes. ‘Do you want to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt, today?’ Some young children find it very difficult to make choices for a while and may need you to choose for them.
Be positive. For example instead of saying ‘Don’t slam the door’ say ‘I know that you can shut the door quietly, let’s see you do it’. Then give praise for learning a new skill.
Give clear messages to your young child. If you just say ‘No’, she may not know what you mean. Tell her exactly what you want her to do in simple words. For example instead of ‘Don’t jump on the sofa’, try ‘You can jump on the … ’ or instead of ‘Don’t pull the dog’s tail’ try ‘Stroke the dog this way, it feels good’.
If your child refuses to come with you and there is no time to use any of the above methods, pick her up and carry her. Don’t threaten to leave her as this is very frightening for young children.
Punishment does not work for toddlers because they are too young to fully understand that what they did was wrong. Punishment can teach toddlers to be frightened of adults and it does not teach them what they should have done.
‘Time out’ is when you put a child by herself for a short time to think about what she has done wrong. ‘Time out’ methods of discipline are not appropriate for under three’s as they do not understand what it means. ‘Time out’ can add to fear of separation. If necessary keep your toddler with you for a while.
Ignore things that don’t matter too much, for example, a mess, but insist on important things, for example, wearing a seatbelt.

Help children learn about feelings

Give names to feelings for your young child so that she learns that feelings are something that you can talk about and learn to manage. For example you could say, ‘You’re feeling sad because daddy had to go to work’, ‘I can see you’re feeling very cross’.
Separate feelings from behaviour. For example you might say ‘I know you feel cross but you must not hit. When you feel cross you can tell me’. Your child will not understand all of this at first but it is very important learning.
Read stories that show children with different kinds of feelings angry, happy, sad, afraid etc.
Begin to help children understand the difference between their own feelings and other people’s. For example you could say ‘It hurts the puppy when you hit him, let’s touch him very gently (show her how to do this) and make him feel better’. It takes many years to learn this well but you can start when your child is very young.
Most toddlers have tantrums—this is a normal part of growing up and becoming independent.

Help with fears

The world can seem very fearful to children of this age, because there are lots of things they don’t understand yet. They don’t understand:

that you will come back soon—because they don’t understand time
that they can’t fall down the plug hole in the bath or get flushed down the toilet—because they don’t understand size and space
that they can’t lose parts of their body if they are hurt—because they don’t understand their bodies are all part of them
that the monsters in their dreams won’t get them—because they don’t understand what is real and what is not.

Things to try for certain fears

Fears about cuts and bruises. Put a band aid on sores and hurts even if you don’t see the need for it. Try a kiss on the injury first—sometimes that’s all that is necessary.
Fears about going down the hole. Let your child bathe in a baby bath for a while, or at least don’t pull out the plug while he is still in the bath. Let him use a potty instead of the toilet or let him flush the toilet himself with your supervision.
Fears about nightmares. If he has a nightmare tell him that ‘It is only a dream, it goes away, and you’re safe’. Cuddle and comfort him until he settles.
Fears of monsters. Tell him that there are no monsters. Don’t look for monsters in the room, because he may think that you believe there are some there to look for.
Fears of separation. Stay with him until he feels more secure. Let your child have his comforter or dummy when he needs it. They help children to deal with fears. Children usually need to keep them until they are three or four years old.
Fears of the dark. Stay with your child to reassure him. Perhaps use a night light. Let him sleep in the same room as a brother, sister or parent. Keep to bedtime routines, for example, the same number of kisses goodnight or the same story.
Let your child know that you understand he has fears, and you don’t think he’s silly or babyish.

Special note: It is never useful to force children to face their fears and can often make things worse. They usually grow out of them, with lots of support and understanding. If fears are really interfering with your child’s life talk it over with a professional who works with children.

Be smart with toilet training

Toilet training needs to be relaxed and as hassle-free as parents can make it. The thing to avoid at this age is a battle of wills. Toddlers can easily get upset and have toilet accidents or hang on and not go when they really need to, for example, if there is tension or they are busy with something.

Keep toilet training positive with lots of ‘Well done’, ‘You managed that so well’, ‘Never mind, sometimes accidents happen’. This way your child will want to cooperate and toilet training will not be difficult. If there are problems, leave toilet training for a while and try again later.

Keeping toddlers safe

Toddlers need to have a safe environment. They are too young to know how to behave safely. Telling them and teaching them about danger does not keep them safe. Keeping your toddler safe is your responsibility.

Keep a first aid kit in the house and car. Keep emergency phone numbers in easy reach and where everyone knows where to look. Do a first aid course for children.

Falls

Falls are the major cause of toddler injury.
Pad sharp corners of furniture or round them off.
Use barrier gates or lock doors to stop your child going into dangerous places, such as stairs.
Don’t use bunk beds with toddlers.
Use straps in the high chair and pusher.
Don’t leave young children alone on change tables, high chairs, playground equipment etc.
Teach your toddler how to climb down as she is learning to climb up.

Traffic safety

Make fences and gates toddler-proof.
Toddlers need to be held when they are near roads. They may begin to remember rules about crossing roads but they are unable to understand them, no matter how many times they are told.
Your child must be in an approved child restraint in the car.
Make sure that there is nothing on the dashboard (even a box of tissues can do a lot of harm in an accident).
Never put anything heavy in the back of a hatchback or station wagon unless it secured strongly.
When you are moving the car at home, it is safest to have your child in the car, so she cannot be run over.
Never leave children and babies alone in cars.

Burns and scalds

Keep hot things well back from the edge of tables. Turn saucepan handles away from the edge of the stove. Use a stove guard.
Use placemats instead of tablecloths.
Have short or curly electric cords that don’t hang over the side of benches.
Be careful of hot irons and cords dangling when ironing.
Remember that many toddlers can light matches and lighters, and unscrew the globes of the Christmas tree lights.
To help prevent scalding from hot water, make sure that the hot water for your bath, shower and basin comes out at 50°C or less. You can attach a safety shut-off device directly to the tap, or your plumber can install a device which automatically mixes cold water with the hot, to limit the temperature. The water heater itself should maintain stored water at 60°C minimum.
Run cold water into the bath first.
If a child has a burn or scald, put the burnt area under running cold water for at least 20 minutes.
Use fireguards for open fires, pot belly stoves and radiators.
Have a fire extinguisher or fire blanket in the kitchen.

Poisoning

Toddlers explore everywhere they can reach and still put things into their mouths. They cannot understand poison signs.

Keep kitchen and laundry detergents out of reach, best in a locked cupboard. Dishwasher powder is particularly dangerous.
Use a child-proof medicine cupboard for all medicines (including oral contraceptives).
Check that visitors don’t leave bags with tablets in them in your child’s reach.
Lock garden products away.
Keep poisons in their original, labelled containers.
Never put poisons into food or drink containers.
Put locks on shed doors and keep shut.
Write the poisons information number next to your telephone.

Choking and suffocating

Check that there are no small objects or coins left lying around.
Don’t give your child hard pieces of food such as raw carrot to chew. Give cooked or grated vegetables.
Toddlers should sit down when eating.
Stay with your child when he is eating.
Never give toddlers nuts.
Don’t force your child to eat anything he does not want.
Tie empty plastic bags with a knot in the middle so that they cannot be put over your child’s head.
Cords or ribbons on toys, dummies and clothing should be short so they can’t choke your child.
Cords on curtains and blinds need to be short or out of reach.
Replace dummies before they are worn.
Some old or antique cots and high chairs are not safe for young children.
Keep older children’s toys (marbles, building sets etc) away from toddlers.

Drowning

Most children who drown are under four years old.
Drowning happens very quickly and quietly. Young children can drown in only a few centimetres of water.
Teaching your toddler to swim will not prevent drowning.
Stay with your child whenever he is near or in water, such as the bath, paddle pools, buckets or at the beach, creeks, rivers, swimming pools and dams.
Keep a lid on nappy buckets and keep them out of reach.
Water can collect in all sorts of things after rain. Empty them!
Make sure that the paddle pool is emptied after every use.
All other pools should be fenced, with a self-locking gate.

Toys and play

Check toys and play equipment regularly for sharp edges, splinters and loose parts.
The surface under climbing frames and swings needs to be soft.
Toys for young children should not have small, loose parts that can be broken off and swallowed.
Baby walkers often cause injuries and should not be used.

Electrocution

Use an earth leakage circuit breaker in your fuse box or switchboard. It will switch the power off if there is an electrical fault and so prevent injury. It needs to be installed by an electrician.
Buy covers for powerpoints to stop toddlers poking things into them.
Don’t use electric blankets for young children especially if there is a chance of bedwetting.
Be careful of electrical appliances near water—it is easy to get electrocuted.
Put all electrical appliances away after use.
Use only wall-mounted heaters in bathrooms and install them up high.

Sun

Whenever possible keep children in the shade. Teach them to play in the shade.
Make sure that their favourite play areas are shaded.
Children can get sunburnt even on cold, cloudy summer days.
Sunlight through the glass of car windows can burn the skin.
In the sun use a hat and clothing that covers arms and legs, such as cover-up bathers.
Sunscreen can be used in small amounts on young children on areas that are not covered by clothing. Some sunscreens irritate the eyes and sensitive skin. It needs to be re-applied often. Zinc cream is an effective sun block.

Shopping

Never leave babies and young children alone in the car while you shop.
Supermarket shopping carts can tip up even if you are using the safety seat, especially if a toddler pulls on them.
Don’t let young children wander in the aisles while
you shop.

Farm safety

There are many safety issues for children on farms with dams, machinery, chemicals, workshops and sheds with equipment, animals and vehicles.

Passive smoking

Avoid smoking in the house, in the car and around children, because when you smoke, children smoke too. Chemicals in cigarettes and tobacco smoke can affect children’s health.

Children are more likely to smoke if they see you smoking.

Car safety

Babies, toddlers and children must be kept safe in cars through properly fitted and approved child restraints or child safety seats.
Always stop the car when you need to turn around
to attend to your child in the back seat. It is so easy
to get distracted and have an accident.
Never leave babies and children alone in cars.
Children get bored and can explore the car’s knobs and buttons which can lead to dangers.
Children can become distressed or may try to struggle free from their seatbelts and become injured.
Children may be in danger of someone trying to steal the car with them in it.
Children could be easy prey for someone who wants to take them away, for example, paedophiles.
Children can become seriously ill when temperatures in cars change quickly in summer and winter.

Reminders

The most common cause of problems with toddlers is adults expecting them to do things they are not yet able to do.
Your toddler needs to test out her independence against you—but know you are there for comfort.
It is a struggle for your toddler in learning to be independent—he needs encouragement and your patience.
Try to avoid having battles—give simple choices to your toddler.
Focus on the things about your toddler that please you and tell her often!
Ignore things that don’t matter too much and be firm on the important things.

Want more information?

ParentLink www.parentlink.act.gov.au 13 34 27

Parentline (9am–9pm Monday–Friday, except public holidays) 6287 3833

Child and Family Centres 13 34 27 (parenting information and support 9am - 5pm Mon-Fri) www.dhcs.act.gov.au
Gungahlin 6207 0120
Tuggeranong 6207 8228

Child and Youth Health www.cyh.com (parenting and child health information). See especially: Safe sleep, Home safety, Water safety, Farm safety, Burns, Tips for toddler troubles, Tantrums and car restraints.

Childrens’ Health Development Foundation www.chdf.org.au

Health First www.healthfirst.net.au 6207 7777

Kidsafe www.kidsafe.com.au 6290 2244

Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au 13 11 14

Poisons Information Centre 13 11 26

See other ParentLink guides:

ACT Govt Publication No 08/0691 September 2008

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