Sibling rivalry
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Parents often worry about their children fighting with each other. Some conflict between children in families is normal. It is part of how children learn to get along with others.
- Parents can help reduce fighting by making sure that each child feels equally loved and valued. Clear family rules and routines can help too.
- Show your children how to work things out fairly. It will help them learn how to get along with others.
Parents need to step in before things get out of hand or someone gets hurt.
Conflict between children
Arguments between brothers and sisters are one of the ways children learn how to be fair, to respect others and to resolve differences. Learning how to argue fairly without hurting anyone is a skill that will help them in their future relationships.
Children may fight about your love and compete for your attention. They can feel jealous if you seem to have more time for one child, or to treat one child better than another. Even adult children can be jealous of their siblings. Children may fight if they feel hurt, angry or unfairly treated.
Some children fight more than others ebcause of their temperament, their age or because they are still learning the skills they need to get along with others.
Children will fight less as they grow up and develop better social skills.
Reducing conflict
Parents can reduce conflict by:
- making sure each child feels equally loved and valued
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- try to spend equal time with each child on their own
- the things you do with them may be different due to their ages and interests
- having clear, simple family rules that encourage fairness and respect for other - for example, 'we always take turns', 'we never hit people', 'we are kind to each other', 'we say sorry'
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- let your children help set the rules
- put a copy on the fridge as a reminder
- agree what will happen if rules are broken
- having household routines - for example, where people sit for meals, who washes the dishes on different days
- giving lots of praise when children work things out well
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- say what you like about their behaviour - for example, 'I really like the way you are sharing that', 'it's great that you are both taking turns', 'I like it when you are kind to each other' - this helps guide their behaviour and builds their self-esteem and confidence
- helping children to be kind to each - for example, make cards or presents for birthdays.
It can help to:
- make time to have fun together as a family - it's a chance to show children how to play fairly
- ensure that a child is not always left out of games - if you are having friends over, try to have a friend for each child to play with at the same time
- allow children to have special things of their own that the other one does not touch
- give them each something small if you are buying gifts, rather than one big thing to share.
Keep an eye on your children so you know how fights start. It may look like one child always starts fights but this may not be the case. If you rescue the child you think is being picked on, the other child ma feel unfairly treated and be angry and upset.
Show your children how to resolve things fairly. Having clear family rules can help.
Stepping in
Always step in before fighting gets outof hand or someone gets hurt. If you have to step in:
- be aware of your own feelings and stay calm - if you feel unable to cope at times, ask a trusted adult to help
- separate your children if you need to - this does not solve the problem and you will need to deal with it later
- don't take sides or focus on blame
- remind your children about the rules and what happens if they are broken - any consequences should happen soon after the fighting.
It is not helpful to say:
- a child 'should know better', or to call them 'a troublemaker'
- that one child is better behaved than the other.
If your children are upset, talk with them about their feelings.
When things are calmer
- Talk with your children about better ways to do things next time. Ask them what else they could have done.
- Make sure that each child has a say and they know you have heard them.
- Remind children of the family rules.
- Family meetings may work for older children.
- Help children have an outlet for their feelins without fighting - for example, active play, creative activities, sport or music.
Allow children to resolve their own conflicts at times. Too much of your attention may reinforce fighting.
Contacts
- Child and Family Centres (parenting information and support) 9am–5pm Monday–Friday:
Gungahlin 6207 0120 Tuggeranong 6207 8228 West Belconnen 6205 2904
- Kids Help Line 24-hour 1800 55 1800
- Parentline ACT 9am–9pm Monday–Friday, except public hols 6287 3833
Websites
ACT Govt Publication No 11/0809 October 2011
